I sit back with a smile when I speak of my past for I used to be embarrassed by it, calling myself a train wreck. I have come to the realization that I had to go through my personal and unique experiences to come to the place I am today.
They say the 40s are the new 30s. Yet, for me, my 40s has been my rebirth—of the person I truly am. When I was 41, I was raped for the second time. This experience ultimately taught me to make my life worthy for me. I had spent my entire life not feeling worthy. No more!
In the days that followed, I caught myself falling back into the same ole' routine of bad habits—drinking and partying. No more! I was numb, or trying to feel numb, yet began having feelings I did not recognize. I was feeling that I had to change. I got clarity. I had choices and it was time to make right choices. I was worth more and realized only I could validate it.
I reported the rape, opened up to my family and asked myself if I was going to go backwards or embrace a new journey of worthiness. I needed to fully connect with what I deserve in my life—a tranquil beach setting and a love for myself—but, not to fantasize about it, to truly embrace it.
My moment of clarity was the beginning of a fantastic journey—one I continue to be on. Has it been easy…absolutely not. But today, through healing, I have learned to truly love myself and feel worthy of that love. And now, with each experience, I sit back and ask myself, “do I want to learn from this or do I want to go backwards?”
Sure, I might stumble, but I have come to realize, only I possess the power to hold myself up. Through my heart, my experiences and my openness to understand, I know now, I am not a train wreck...I was and continue to be on my own train. In my journey, I may sometimes hit potholes, but I embrace the ride, celebrating that my life is worthy.